Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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