You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
