xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
