He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
