i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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