did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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