i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
