I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
