I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
