Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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