she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
oh god the rape fog is back!
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
