i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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