I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
