Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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