is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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