Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
