A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
