Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
