I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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