dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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