Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize