why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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