It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
