did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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