Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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