fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
where are my eyebrows?
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