happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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