My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
