So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
