eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize