today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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