I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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