Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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