Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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