You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
