And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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