Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize