my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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