home. puking in laundry basket.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
