Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
