are you still at the devil's house?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
