My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
