As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
