Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
