I wish I only lived at night.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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