Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
