It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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