just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
