Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
