How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
