K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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