I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
