am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
how drunk are you?
Several
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
