Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
