You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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