I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm getting married
To pizza
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
