Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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