Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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