Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
