I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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