You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
