Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize