Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
