I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
