I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
