and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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