Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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