Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
