Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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